I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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