smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
