Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
