i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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