All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize