Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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