We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
