She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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