my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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