I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
