The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
