my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
All I want is dick and wine.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
