So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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