it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
