ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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