Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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