Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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