Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
