apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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