I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
