My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
