textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you didnt know i had herpes?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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