Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
