No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
