You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
