I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
