I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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