the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
