It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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