Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
