don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Boobs speak an international language.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
