Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
