Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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