so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
