Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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