Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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