did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize