WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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