He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
