I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
