Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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