I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
