i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
