you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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