omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Sext me about skeletons
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
