my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize