meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
