Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
