I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
too bad you live with your parents still
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
