youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
