In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
a search helicopter?!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
