Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
