im drinking this country out of the recession.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
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