Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
