i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
you will always have a special place in my vag
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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