my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
