i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
