somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
