Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
