I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
