Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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