I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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